My Story; How it led to the beginning of my Healing

I’m hoping through writing this it will be apart of my own journey healing, and maybe help someone else. I’ve made it this far with support from family, friends, and finding things that allow me to pour myself into to quiet the noise.

Two years ago my husband confesssed to me that I wasn’t crazy, and that he did cheat on me. I had a feeling for several years prior but never had actual proof, and it would just lead to fights and resentment. It was nice to know that I wasn’t just crazy, or paranoid.

He came inside the house after sitting out in his truck for awhile on the phone talking, I was wondering why he was home and not at work but it wasn’t abnormal either for him to stop by to grab something. When he came in the door, the energy he brought with him screamed that something was wrong.. I thought there was an accident or someone got hurt. He gave me a big hug, exhaled, and said he needed to tell me something and he can’t put it off any longer.

We had been married about 12 years at the time, with normal ups and downs that all married couples go through… work stress, kid stress, money, etc. We have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. With an itch that was always there of him being unfaithful with me, that obviously added an insecurity in myself. I can’t remember when this figure in my head emerged, but it was about a year or so before this where a little child shadow was in my imagination. A small, shadow, sitting in the corner in the dark crevices of my thoughts, collecting cobwebs over time. Sounds graphic I know, it would very calmly haunt me for a long time.

I believe that this shadow was placed in my thoughts by God. I believe, as a heads up of what was to come in my future at some point, to help prep me? Warn me? Get my emotions ready for it? Whatever way you want to look at it, it did help, as he told me that his 1 time affair led to a child with this woman. A woman I did know, a woman I never liked.. nothing in particular, just didn’t click with her when we went on a double date with her husband years before. One of the most awkward dinners I’ve ever been at.

He explained that he just found out about the child, and that the affair happened 2 years prior to him telling me, and that he never planned on telling me but obviously that he couldn’t hide this. The woman didn’t even know apparently that the father of the child was not her husbands, and it was her (now ex) husband had suspicions and took the child’s DNA to get tested when they started the process of divorce. As you could imagine, things got sticky before I even knew anything.

Obviously hurt, betrayed… all the things, but I also got a sense of relief that I finally was told the truth. That’s all I want in the end. All of this distrust led me to a place where I couldn’t breathe for most of the day like a boulder was sitting on my chest, I was drinking anytime I could, that habit was especially strong as this was right after Covid. We would be clearing 2 fifths of vodka within a few days, as there was nothing else to do… we wouldn’t even be drinking to get drunk, but it was just trying to numb with everything happening as the world was shut down, as well as numbing my own thoughts that my husband was cheating on me… trying to hide my true feelings and heartache.

Prior to him telling me the truth, I had already turned the corner on my own personal health and wellbeing. When he walked in that day to tell me I was actually on the treadmill, I hate running but I was trying. I had done several detoxes with alcohol, sugar, carbs, etc.. just to reboot my system. I saw that I had a problem, or something that could really become a problem, and hated how I was feeling, looking, and thinking. From drinking multiple times a day, to taking multiple weeks to months off because I like to, that part of my journey is in a much healthier place.

Since my husband and I were already attending church with a pastor that we really connected with, I agreed to meetings to see what I was going to do after finding out about the affair and child. My husband had already started meetings with the pastor before telling me, and that was who he was on the phone with when he was sitting in the truck before coming in and shattering my world.

Throughout the next few weeks.. or months.. we had counseling once a week together, and my husband would have a one on one session with him as well once a week. The first several weeks led me to question if this was actually going to help, if it was actually going to get into the problem.. it was very generic talks, and I would leave just as irritated as I walked in. Until finally we were able to really look at the gigantic, horrific elephant in the room.. it was full of anger, ugly crying, and hard to talk about moments. I grew up following my dad with his emotions, we acknowledge and stuff down deep deep into a black abyss to forget about. He is a very stoic man who unknowingly taught me to be the same way, I hate talking about my thoughts and feelings.. I do love writing. Whenever my husband and I would have a “fight” it would have to be said over text as that’s the only way I can process my words into what I am actually feeling. A very slow process of response sometimes, but it’s better than reacting in my opinion.

It’s been like I’ve said about 2 years since the news, I am still married to this man. I could go on with why, and lots of people may think I am crazy, and that’s fine. It’s not because I don’t have anywhere else to go, my parents were ready to help in anyway they can if I decided to leave, I had support from friends for anything I decided.

I stayed because I was able to see the work my husband was putting in every day trying to better himself, for me and for our kids. Through God, I was able to forgive him and his actions, things may come up that may be sensitive of course for me, however I can’t run from reality, and I can’t deny reality. This is now my reality no matter if I left or stayed. Our lives are different, but every child is a blessing, and this little boy does not deserve anything but love as he did not have a choice on how he was conceived.

My husband has been extremely supportive and understanding, as he should be.. with this situation. There’s lots more to tell on this story, like how we just told our kids about the little boy, and how we brought all parts of the family together for a play date and dinner… and I’m sure there will be more along the way. So if you’ve stayed to finish this part of the story, stay tuned as there will be more!

~A woman healing